Well, friends, the Phonies saga continues. Yesterday I received BOTH phones (the soon-to-be returned one and the new one from my new carrier, who will be referred to as "Heaven" henceforth).
Where to begin? Let's see, both of the phones came to my door yesterday, and I started by calling Heaven to make sure the phone was activated and ask a couple of questions. Things were going swimmingly. My representative was really jazzed to talk to me. He was "totally" able to help me with his "awesome" service. We discussed his hopes and dreams of starting a film-related business. Specifically, he wants to set up a store that sells used movies. Now, I know what you're thinking...don't independent record stores already do that, and isn't the used DVD business what's been keeping them afloat for the past few years since CD sales are declining? And if you want to buy used DVDs online, can't you just go through Amazon, Half.com, or any number of other websites? Well, yes. That's true, but his idea is "totally" innovative (mostly because he apparently lives in the middle of nowhere and only has access to Best Buy for DVDs...I'm just guessing here). I chose not to burst his bubble. He was just too darn nice and eager to help me.
He was my third EXCELLENT angel (which is how I will now refer to Heaven's little helpers/representatives). All of my questions were getting answered. He upgraded my service to my exact wishes. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. Then, I asked whether they had a discount program for employees of certain companies (because I recently learned from Phonies that my company DOES have discounts set up with wireless providers). He was "totally" thrilled to help me. Apparently, I DID qualify, but he was unable to sign me up. So, he transferred me to someone else.
I honestly had such high hopes for this new angel, but it looks like 1 in 4 angels is the devil in disguise. Here's how it all went down:
Me: Hi, I just opened up service with Heaven, and I was wondering if you have a discount for employees of -insert company name here-.
Bad Angel: Yes, we do. Now where did you buy your phone?
Me: I got it from -insert 3rd party dealer here-.
BA: (pause) Bfff. Uhh...Bfff. (Shouting in a very condescending tone.) Why would you do that?
Me: Excuse me?
BA: Huh...You made a huge mistake there. Why would you do that? I would NEVER go to a 3rd party dealer. I would NEVER direct anyone to a 3rd party dealer. You just screwed yourself.
Me: I'm sorry. What?
BA: There's nothing I can do for you. You can't get a discount.
Me: Umm...I'm a little confused here. What are you talking about?
BA: You went to a 3rd party dealer which is the stupidest thing you could possibly do. You can't do anything. You basically gave up all of your rights and your access to anything good. You should NEVER buy from anyone other than Heaven. You really messed up.
Me: Yeah, still confused. Why can't I get a discount?
BA: (Still yelling. Still condescending. Still sounding like a big, fat loser.) Because you went to a 3rd party dealer, which was a huge mistake.
Me: Okay. I'm a little lost here. Instead of reprimanding me for my apparently poor choices, could you just explain the process to me?
BA: Well there's nothing you can do.
Me: Right. I got that. Could you just run me through the process of how one might get a discount under normal circumstances?
BA: (Lets out an exasperated sigh.) Okay. So what you did was go to a 3rd party dealer which is something I would NEVER do. I would NEVER direct anyone to a 3rd party dealer.
Me: Yeah. I'm with you so far. Can you move past that and answer my question?
BA: What you should have done, and I don't understand why you wouldn't have done this in the first place, is buy the phone from Heaven.
Me: Uh huh. Still following.
BA: (Sighs again.) See. Someone from your company makes a deal with Heaven, and we agree to it, and then the employees can get a discount.
Me: I understand that part, hence my talking to you in the first place.
BA: But because (and the yelling starts up again) you went to a 3rd party dealer, you lost your eligibility to get any of the promotional offers that we have. You couldn't have avoided the activation fee (ed. which I did). You could have taken advantage of our 1 year contract (ed. not that concerned). You could have gotten whatever promotional rates we have (ed. which I did get a kick-ass plan that's better than any wireless plan I've ever had in the past). But you can't get any of that. You ruined your chances.
Me: Uh huh, yeah. Still with you. Why exactly?
BA: Because you are locked into a contract with that 3rd party dealer, and you can't change anything. If you get the discount, then your service is taken out of their revenue stream, and they'll charge you $300 (ed. Actually, they'll charge me $250 if I try to do something fraudulent, but there was no sense in correcting this sweetheart of a man). So now you can't get that 10% discount.
Me: (Thinking to self.) 10%? That's it? Phonies gave me 25%. (Quickly calculating the savings on my calculator.) Whatever. The phone was free. I'll forego the $7.50 discount.
BA: (Still yelling.) You should have gone to your company website and clicked on the Heaven link to handle the whole transaction (ed. By the way, there is no such thing on my company website). You really messed up. Why would you do that? You should NEVER go to a 3rd party dealer. NEVER. You're going to be really sorry you did that.
Me: Honestly, I'm not that sorry. I'm sorry that this news is so upsetting to you, though.
BA: There's nothing I can do for you. You made a huge mistake.
Me: Okay. Listen. I've had the worst month of my life trying to deal with cell phone issues. My last carrier, Phonies, treated me like a piece of shit. I'm so excited to move over to Heaven, and everyone has been so nice and accomodating....
BA: I understand that. I'm sure you've been frustrated. But you really messed up.
Me: Okay, stop. I don't think you should take this tone with me. I'm a new customer regardless of how I chose to purchase my phone and rate plan. I understand that my hands are tied regarding this discount, but that doesn't really give you the right to be so rude to me.
BA: Well, ma'am. There's nothing I can do.
Me: Yeah, I got that. Could you answer another question for me?
BA: Ma'am, I can't answer any questions about your account. You'll have to call customer service.
Me: Could you transfer me? They transferred me over here.
BA: I can't do that. I can just give you the number, and you'll have to call them yourself.
Me: Right. Thanks.
So, what do you picture when you think of Bad Angel? I picture a fat loser (not unlike the people that work for AT&T's DSL tech support) who was taunted in high school for being a geek and now takes his rage out on innocent customers that call for help, while hiding behind the anonymity of a phone line.
I really hope that conversation was actually recorded. That dude needs to be taken down a notch or twelve. Despite that unpleasant experience, I STILL prefer Heaven to Phonies.
In fact, after that call, I rang up Phonies for our daily chat. This time I wanted to re-activate my pre-blackberry phone with my old number (that is dead to me for the next month and a half). My representative didn't know what he was getting into with me. I was totally prepared with all the serial numbers, and he was quite thrown. We got it set up, and during that process, he felt it was a good time to ask me what was wrong with the old phone. Again, he had no idea into what kind of murky waters he was treading. I simply explained to him that I had trouble with two blackberries and was completely unsatisfied, so I had no choice but to return it. And then he started in on a little sales pitch. I immediately stopped him. My mind is made up. Luckily he didn't push the issue.
But, come on! Shouldn't their screen start blinking with rage when I get on the phone? I call them every day with a complaint...or request to get a revised bill that, for some unknown and asinine reason, is impossible for them to produce. Shouldn't everyone in that company know by now that there's no saving this customer? Honestly, I think I've travelled into "We're better off without her" territory.
Whatever. Still waiting on the return label. It better get here on Monday. Time is not on my side, since Phonies is doing everything they can to suck up my 30 day grace period (including telling me everytime that I talk to them that my 30 days expired without even looking at my account). Jerks.
It's a new day in Heaven though. The phone actually works in my house. That's a very exciting change. Keep your fingers crossed that the blackberry setup is easy on Monday.
And that's the news.
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