You’d think that I had already learned my lesson, but apparently I hadn’t. What’s the lesson?
Never eat at KFC.
I knew better. Really, I did. But my choices were limited. I was coming back from Tahoe, and the bus stopped at a shopping center in which there were a handful of fast food places. Even though I wasn't that hungry and knew that all of them were bad ideas, I still decided to just with the first one that I walked near, and that was KFC. I haven't been to a KFC in 5 years. I remember LOVING that place as a kid. Nothing gave my taste buds more pleasure than to eat the "crispy" off of the extra crispy chicken. And yet, now, as an adult who actually makes an attempt (though rarely succeeds as is evidenced by my various posts on here) to eat in a reasonably healthy manner, I still felt that this might be a decent choice (not a good one...I knew I'd regret it in the end). As I was standing before the menu, I actually considered the "Famous Bowl". I think I might have been swayed by Patton Oswalt's hilarious rant about this "failure pie in a sadness bowl" which is why I ultimately couldn't eat it. Honestly, I could just picture him folding his arms and shaking his head disappointedly at me as I ate it. Instead, I chose the chicken strips with mashed potatoes because I do remember loving those mashed potatoes, mostly because they, in no way, tasted like actual potatoes. Since the place was all ready to close up shop before 3 busses full of hungry skiers happened upon them, they had to fry up my strips fresh. I'd like to say it was worth the wait, but it wasn't. They were so awful. One bite was all I needed to realize that they tasted like nothing, and in no real way resembled actual chicken. I'd like to say that I'm not a food snob, but perhaps that's exactly what I've become. The mashed potatoes and gravy (which I forgot to ask them not to use for smothering because I've never been a fan of the salty glop) tasted like salted cardboard. It was awful. Granted, they did throw in a biscuit, which was nothing like I remembered in its bland tastelessness. All in all, it was a very disappointing meal, and all I could do once I ate it was wait for the fall-out. Luckily that didn't really happen...until I woke up and looked in the mirror. Because of the plate of salt I consumed before falling asleep in front of "A Few Good Men", my face was so swollen that my normally bright (and lovely, if I do say so myself) eyes were hidden behind my puffy skin. It was more than grotesque. I knew the culprit was KFC (and ultimately my poor decision-making abilities when it comes to road snacks). Never again. My bone structure is nice, so there's no reason to cover it up with an ugly old balloon face. If there's one thing we can all learn from this it's that KFC is NEVER a good choice. Listen to Patton Oswalt. He is a speaker of truth. Stay away from the colonel's secret recipe. It doesn't do anybody any good....and it will make you gain 8 pounds overnight. No joke.
I'd like to say that my poor choices were the direct result of the head injury I suffered in the first 15 minutes of my snowboarding excursion, but I know it's just the result of my lack of common sense.
Don't be like me, kids. I'm an after school special waiting to happen. Everyone thought I'd be the one about clumsiness or tattling, but really, I'll be the one about poor food choices. Read my other tales of woe. They all share a common theme--food regret. No one wants that.
And no one should ever torture their innards like I do. If you want chicken fingers, at least go to Red Robin. Seriously.
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