Monkey vs. Dog

My gorilla suit sure could have come in handy the day I went to Erawan Falls National Park. Sure it started off fine. We loaded up into the back of a pick-up truck, rode a couple hours to the park, bought some lunch, then walked over the waterfall. We found our way to the second level, jumped in to enjoy our free "fish massage" which was just a weird, tickly experience of having a swarm of fish bite our legs relentlessly.

Once we finished our swim, we headed up to see all seven levels of the waterfall, which was a little over a one kilometer hike. Prior to getting to the waterfall we were given guidelines on appropriate apparel. The Thai people (and really SE Asia as a whole) appreciate conservative dress, specifically for women. We were instructed not to wear bikinis and to swim with a t-shirt on. Our trusty guide noted that we would probably see people from the former Soviet Union wearing a little bit of nothing, but warned us NOT to take our fashion cues from them (which, honestly, is a good policy for anyone regardless of the social customs of wherever you happen to be).

As we hiked, up the hill, we passed scads of scantily clad women, and most of them...were Russian. At first I laughed at my own puritanical surprise and my shock at those crazy Europeans and their lack of body shame, and then I spent a half an hour climbing rocks behind a woman wearing a thong and what may as well have been pasties. I don't care how well you've managed to fend off cellulite or how large your breast implants are...that shit should not be paraded through a damn jungle. I now see why the Thai people are so offended by the crass Westerners.

Around the sixth level, I got seperated from the rest of my companions because I was stuck behind three Russian couples taking their bikini prom photos on the rocks. Once the photo session finished up, I carried on with my climb to the seventh level. It was tricky to say the least, but at long last, I made it. Oh the joy! Unfortunately for me, I made it with only 15 minutes before I was supposed to catch my ride at the bottom.

I scurried as much as I could down the hill, but fear of my own clumsiness slowed my roll. A friendly dog and a group of Russian guys were behind me for a bit, so I started up a half Russian-half English conversation with them (the guys, not the dog). As we walked, we found ourselves at a clearing. The friendly dog had discovered the monkeys.

Now prior to getting to the first level of the waterfall, there was a warning sign that said something to the effect of, "Be careful of fierce monkeys. They will steal your belonging." (No, that's not a typo.) Up to this point, I hadn't seen any monkeys, and I couldn't imagine that any monkey would be fierce. I mean, come on! Who didn't watch BJ and The Bear? The greatest buddy show ever about a trucker and his monkey who fought crime and solved mysteries as they drove cross-country?

Apparently, I was wrong.

The dog barked wildly at the group of monkeys that numbered around 7 adults and 2 babies who were all in a tree over a narrow part of the path (thus blocking everyone from continuing). The head monkey screeched at the dog and occasionally took a swipe. We all took photos. At one point, the dog backed off, and the Russian guys took a break for it. I, unfortunately, really wanted more monkey photos, so I stayed behind. That was a bad move on my part. The fight flared up and dog completely blocked the path. I really wanted the dog to give up, but he stood his ground while the head monkey became more agitated.

Finally there was another slight break, though the head monkey was hanging from the tree right in the middle of the path. My new Russian friends kindly waited for me on the other side and encouraged me to walk over. I hesitated, but I didn't think it was going to get any better, so I slowly made my way over to the path while all parties were silent. As I quickly walked under the tree, the head monkey started screeching and took a swipe at my head, sending me off whinneying through the trees. He didn't touch me, but he was darn close.
The Russians and I continued down the path. As I stumbled over the rocks, my Canadian friend caught up to me and we shared stories of the monkey fight. In the end we were a half an hour late, but what better excuse do you have than, "I got caught in a monkey fight?"

Too bad for me it wouldn't be my last 'cuz I could really use that gorilla suit after all.