Ah, another day, another chance to eavesdrop on an annoying individual.
Today, I went to my local hamburger joint for lunch. It's the kind of place that is usually pretty good, though I've been wronged before. It's also the kind of place where you expect poor service. Yet, it's the kind of place I still frequent on a very infrequent basis. As I sat down to read the weekly paper and peruse the menu, I noticed a couple of fellas sitting at a table caddy-cornered from me. The guy facing me probably wore ToughSkins jeans as a kid, and he was working hard on his ego to overcome whatever social limitations his physical presence might bring. The conversation revolved around his business and how great he was.
After awhile, I was given the opportunity to order my food by a waitress that seemed less than thrilled to wait on people. A few minutes later, the food arrived at my neighboring table. And that's when I had no choice but to stare as Mr. Spectacular exibited poor customer behavior.
Mr. Spectacular surveys his plate, while still talking about his business acumen. While determining his plan of attack, he notices that something is amiss with his burger. As soon as he sees the waitress walk by, he attempts to get her attention (in what may be the worst possible way aside from snapping or clapping at her).
Mr. Spectacular: Excuse me. Uhh..Excuse me. (The waitress is halfway to the kitchen.) Excuse me. Hello! Anyone? Anyone? (The waitress turns around to find out the problem.) Isn't my burger supposed to come with cucumber sauce? (The waitress looks confused, but still doesn't get much closer than 5 feet.) Yeah, it's supposed to have sauce with it.
Waitress: You need sauce?
MS: Uhh...yeah.
W: It's probably on the inside.
MS: (Lifting the bun.) There's nothing in here. I need the sauce. It's on the menu. This is a GREEEEEEEK burger. The menu says there is sauce. I go to your restaurant in the East Bay, and they put sauce on it. It's on the menu. They have sauce in the East Bay.
W: (Seeming confused and apathetic all at the same time.) I'll get some sauce.
MS: (Calling after her.) The East Bay location has it. It's on the menu there. I go to the East Bay all the time. (Once the waitress is out of sight, he turns to his dining companion.) I knew they had sauce. The East Bay location has the sauce.
(After a few minutes, another waiter walks over to the table to inquire about this elusive sauce. The waitress also walks out and takes the mustard out of my condiment collection while watching the interaction between Waiter 2 and Mr. Spectacular. As the conversation wears on, she eventually puts the mustard on a vacant table nearby.)
Waiter 2: Sir, I'm not sure what sauce you want on your burger.
MS: It's supposed to have tahini sauce. It's on the menu. At least in the East Bay, it comes with tahini sauce.
2: I don't think we have that here.
MS: Of course you have it. It's on the menu. I get it all the time in the East Bay.
2: I'll check the kitchen to see if we have it.
MS: (To his friend.) See, I know they have it. I go to the location in the East Bay all the time.
(Waiter 2 emerges from the kitchen again.)
2: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. It's also not on the menu.
MS: Oh. Well it's on the menu in the East Bay. They have a different menu though.
And that was the end of the debate. Mr. Spectacular ate his sandwich, but was unable to get a refill on his iced tea even though he kept yelling out for "Anyone" to help him and pounded his cup on the table a few times.
My mustard, on the other hand, never made it back to my table. I thought the waitress was bringing it back, but she ended up putting it on a table even further away. So, when I got my burger, I had to go to another table to get some mustard. Why would you take condiments away from someone that is awaiting food? It's just weird.
So, that's the story of my meal. Mr. Spectacular may well be the man of my dreams. I just wish he'd stay in the East Bay.
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