Well, in true triathlete form, I’m skipping track practice today. Why? Because I need to clean my house. My parents will be here tomorrow, and it’s a disaster. Since I don’t want to suffer through my mom’s disappointment, I will clean. Okay, I will do a half-assed job of cleaning and hide the rest.
But that’s not why I’m here. I just got off the phone with Phonies. Fingers crossed, it was my final call.
Things have been a little quiet on the Phonies front, mostly because I’ve been too busy to deal with it. Let’s see, where did we leave off? I returned the phone and was awaiting my refund. I was also awaiting a refund for the rest of those erroneous charges, which added up to $10 (yes, I know I’m cheap--shut it).
So, my bill arrived, and it had a negative balance. Hoorah. But it wasn’t negative enough for my satisfaction. Two days later, I checked my account on the website, and the number was more negative, but not negative enough to account for the price of the phone. I had a sinking suspicion that they cheated me out of my money. I know, how could I possibly think such a thing? They’ve been so honest and giving.
Last week, I finally found some time to call them, and even though it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon, the call center was closed. I know what you’re thinking...they’ve totally blackballed me. Knowing that my hands were tied and not wanting to get into another tete-a-tete with the online support, I opted to wait a few days.
Today was the day. I called, and I spoke with Phyllis. She was a sweet lady--dumb as a box of rocks, but sweet. Feeling that honey would get me further (and feeling a little removed from the whole situation since I hadn’t spoken to them in a month), I was nothing but sugar. Phyllis ate it up. She couldn’t figure out what I was talking about, but she was on my side. She read me every line item on my bill. She hemmed and hawed, not understanding how or why I would have $475 in credits. When I started discussing my concern about getting under-credited for the phone, she told me that I had already gotten $475 in credit and felt that I should be happy with that. I will never be happy with that. I wanted the remaining $60....and I wanted that other $10 as well...but not as much as the $60. After crunching some numbers with her, I managed to convince her that I did actually have a case.
Prior to this happening, there was a hilarious conversation in which, I was trying to explain that the credit on my bill should be larger. Phyllis, in all her sweetness, said, with great concern, "Oh dear. You know just because there’s a negative next to that number... It doesn’t mean you are in the negative. We owe you money."
Oh Phyllis...you silly goose! "Oh, I KNOW that. You owe me quite a bit of money. I’m not one to drop the fight early either." And we laughed.
Then, she transferred me to tele-sales. The woman helping me at tele-sales was also very nice. I returned the favor and explained my situation. When she first looked up the phone credit, which was $60 less than what I paid, she told me that they had already reimbursed me for the remainder of that balance back in February. "Ha!" I said. "Those credits were for other erroneous (my favorite word to throw around with Phonies) charges. Only $40 was taken off of the price of the phone."
Further investigation ensued, and she returned to tell me that I did have a point. She wrote some notes in my file and transferred me to finance, so they could make the changes. When I got transferred, I found myself stuck in computer option hell. How could this be? It didn’t even respond to my cries for a person. Finally, after pushing several buttons, I was transferred...to Passion.
Passion was no-nonsense. If ever there was a stereotypical finance employee, it was her. It took awhile, but I made her laugh. Within minutes, she saw that they DID owe me $60, and she credited me. Then, I asked her how I could get that money, and Passion was silent. I thought I lost her, so I repeated my query about getting a check in the mail. "Why would you want that? You’ve got the credit on your account." Oh, Passion...so innocent and naive. It took some explaining, but telling her my tale of cancelling my service at the end of the month, she put me on hold.
Before I knew what was happening, Omega was on the line to help me. At first I hoped she said, Amanda, but she didn’t. Her name was Omega, and, to the best of my knowledge, she isn’t one of the American Gladiators.
"Miss Cardelia, how can I help you?"
"Well, I want to get this credit on my account sent to me in check form. I’ll even settle for you depositing into my bank account (from which you unethically took it a month ago--I didn’t say that part)."
If I thought Passion was no-nonsense, I was wrong. Omega had this act down. "You can’t cancel your account. You have an equipment upgrade, so you’re contract isn’t up for another 2 years."
She clearly had no idea who she was dealing with. "Uhh...that’s impossible. I returned that phone. The whole reason I have this enormous credit is because I got refunded for it. There’s no equipment upgrade here. Trust me. I’d take a picture of me holding the phone in front of the mirror, except that it doesn’t have a camera (Okay, I didn’t say that last sentence either, but it would have been rad if I did.)"
"Did you return it after 30 days?"
Seriously? What’s with this question? And, I’ve said it before, what the hell kind of cheap-ass computers are they using over at Phonies? How is this information not right there? Why must I go through the whole ordeal EVERY F-ING TIME? "It was in your warehouse on February 27. I got refunded. It was well within the 30 day time limit."
"Oh, I see that. Why didn’t you cancel your service when you returned the phone?" She asked, sure that she had me between a rock in a hard place.
"Because my contract isn’t up until the end of April, and the only way to avoid the early termination fee was to keep the account until then."
Still not having it, she replied, "Well, why did you want to cancel your service in the first place?"
I can’t believe that I haven’t just recorded this already. I’m bored with myself here. I went through the whole thing, and just like everyone else, she decided to stick with the "technical issues" reason as my reason for leaving Phonies. Knowing that that wasn’t good enough, I expressed my disgust with their lies. Then she told me she was canceling the account. Worried, I asked if she was charging me a fee. Apparently she waived that because there was no way to convince me to stick with them. Why couldn’t that have happened two months ago? Where have you been all of my life, Omega?
So, as of April 10, I am free of Phonies, and a check will be in the mail (and it better be in the damn mail and it better be for $266 because I have a phone, and I am not afraid to use it). AND, I ported my number over to the Heaven phone. In 24 hours, I will be whole again...I hope.
Now I should do my taxes, and clean my house, and do my dishes, and change my flat tire, and vacuum, and brush my teeth, and maybe I should get a cookie...oh, and I have some work to do as well.
It never ends.
...and in case you were wondering. I didn’t change any of the names in this story to protect the innocent. Their names really were Passion and Omega. Awesome.
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