Putting the Fun in Fundamentalism: Dodging Dubious DC

Washington DC.  The capital city of this great nation we call the US of A.  It’s grand.  It’s glorious.  It’s everything you could possibly want in a shrine to the ideals upon which our forefathers founded this country.  It’s filled with reminders of the past and hope for the future.  It’s a center for not just government, but education, touting some of the best museums in the country--museums that are (free and) filled with fantastic exhibits of art, science, and culture from all over America and the world.  People flock from the four corners of the globe to experience what this city has to offer. 

And as it turns out, despite all of this wonder and beauty, DC is a dirty, dirty place.  No, I’m not referring to the ghetto or the urban poverty that crowds the outer corners of the city.  I’m talking about the blatant disregard for religious conservativism that our forefathers and the city architects exercised in the planning of this city’s sights and contents.  Let’s face it, the gays aren’t the only ones chipping away at America’s core puritanical values what with their insistence on equal rights under the law.  No way!  This epidemic of indecency goes way back to Thomas Jefferson and his insistence on the separation of Church and State.  It’s true.  Do you have any idea how many naked statues are out on the streets of our nation’s capital?  Do you?  If it weren’t for John Ashcroft demanding that federal money be used to cover up the vulgar breast of lady Justice ten years ago, we would all be living like devilish savages right now.  And don’t even get me started on the cockamamie propaganda those “science” museums are touting as theories.  And…and!!!  Can you believe that museums would strive for historical accuracy when building dioramas of Native American scenes?  Or that they would be so bold as to display world-famous and internationally-treasured paintings portraying naked people in the National Gallery of Art?  This is our nation’s capital, people.  This is the center of our government and culture, and I don’t know about you, but last time I checked I was living in the USA--a land of freedom, a land of God-fearing, hard-working, body-shaming puritans.  Take one step into Washington DC with the eyes of a far-right fundamentalist, and you may as well be walking into the final throw-down of good and evil.

And that’s exactly what I had to do over the last three days.

We left New York City, well, technically New Jersey as that’s where our hotel was located, and started the long drive down to DC.  Sifting through my DVD collection which is, I can only hope, appropriate for middle-schoolers, I decided that National Treasure was the right choice for a bus movie.  Much like the minutes before and during Mary Poppins, I scanned my memory for any elements of the movie that might be offensive to the lead teacher.  Thankfully, I couldn’t think of any, and there weren’t any (to which I was alerted at least).

The drive was fine.  The students mostly slept.  As we neared our destination, I started talking about DC and the Smithsonian, and I was admittedly very encouraging of the Natural History Museum (one of my personal favorites).  Who doesn’t love dinosaurs?  Right?  No one.  Everyone likes dinosaurs ‘cuz they’re awesome.

We rolled into town around noon, and I delivered us all to our lunch stop.  As I was eating my mediocre salad, I suddenly realized that there might be something offensive about the Natural History Museum and instantly regretted my pro-dinosaur stance.  What could possibly be offensive, you ask?  Evo-freakin’-lution.  Yeah, not only does the museum regularly have exhibits on evolution (because, well, it’s a science museum about the origins of life on our planet), but it has a NEW exhibit specifically focused on…HUMAN evolution.

I immediately lost my appetite, knowing that I would have to break the news to the group leader.  Granted, this time I was cutting them off at the pass, but the realization of how much damage control I needed to do before and after anything and everything potentially offensive was overwhelming.  I finished up my salad then wandered the food court looking for the group leader and her chaperone cronies.  Luckily they were pretty easy to spot.

“Hi there!  How’s everything going?”

“Great.  I think we want to go to the Air and Space Museum and the Natural History Museum.  The students are excited about seeing the dinosaurs.”

Smiling, I replied, “Oh good.  There is one thing I thought of that you should know before going to the Natural History Museum.  There is an exhibit on evolution.”

She gave me a silenced stare then turned her head saying, “Oh.  No.  That won’t do.  We can’t have that.”

One of the chaperones, who happened to be the uncle to one of the students and was my age, asked, “What?”

The teacher responded.  “Evolution.”

Then the whole table of parents was up in arms.  “No, we can’t have that.”

The group leader turned to me.  “That’s such a shame.  The students were so excited.  Why do they have to ruin things like that?”

“Well,” I tried to come up with a solution.  “The exhibit is only in one section of the museum.  You could go in, get the map and direct everyone over to the dinosaur exhibit.  That way you could avoid it altogether.”  As I said this I realized that there is an enormous banner outside the museum advertising the human evolution exhibit and was pretty sure that would be an issue.

“That might work.” She stopped talking for a few seconds.  “No.  That won’t.  They’ll see those bones, and then they’ll start to think.  And that’s going to start the discussion.  I just can’t have that.”

And with that, I was silenced.  Really?  You can’t have the students thinking?  You can’t even let these young adults know that there is a theory about how the life on Earth came to be that may be in contradiction to the Bible?  Do you think they’re never going to see it?  And you can’t risk them seeing dinosaur bones at all?

“Well, what can we do?” she asked.

“There are plenty of other museums.”  I quickly tried to come up with a good one.  Art Museum—out (too much risk of seeing nudity).  American History—maybe (but what if there IS something in there that’s offensive…Dorothy’s slippers? Archie Bunker’s chair?  Trains?)  “What about the Native American Museum?”

“Oh!  That might be good.  They’ve learned about Native Americans.  Yes.  Let’s do that.”  She seemed relieved.

Having resolved that situation, I walked outside to call my boss and give her the scoop on all that was happening.  As I was discussing the decision to go to the Native American Museum, she said, “Uhh….you know the mannequins are going to be dressed in traditional clothing.  You know…loin cloths.”

“Crap!!”

About this time, the group was emerging from the food court.  I quickly approached the group leader and mentioned the bit about loin cloths.

“Oh,” Her face expressed disgust and frustration.  “Well, that won’t do.  They HAVE learned about them, and that IS appropriate for the time being depicted…  But I just don’t think we should risk it.  I don’t think it’s anything they should see.”

Got that people?  Half-nude mannequins are also offensive.  I can only imagine if they had seen the diorama of the Neanderthal family burial in the Natural History Museum.

The teacher gave an exasperated sigh.  “What can we do?”

“I think you will have a great experience if you go to the National Archives to see the Constitution and Bill of Rights.  They also have the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta.  After that, you can head over to the Air and Space Museum.”

“Yes,” she replied.  “That does sound much better.  Surely the documents won’t contain immoral elements”

And with that, I was relieved.  The only thing I could possibly think of that would be offensive in the Archives is the fact that the Constitution calls for the separation of Church and State.  I’m guessing they’ve been circumventing that little bit of policy for so long that surely a visit to the actual document wouldn’t be too damaging to the children’s fragile sensibilities.

We drove them over to the Archives, where I gave them thorough instructions on exactly how to get from there to the Air and Space Museum, complete with pointing to the building (which was two blocks away).  Once they were on their way, we dropped off the other group at the Holocaust Museum and I apprised my driver of the drama within.  Upon finishing my tale, he mentioned that I couldn’t take them in front of the Library of Congress.  It took me a minute to realize why he said that, then…DAMMIT!  There’s a HUGE statue of Neptune…and he’s NAKED, along with other naked statues.  Is nothing sacred here?

After that conversation, I decided to take my free time to wander the Mall and ponder what other sites I would have to avoid with my group.  What I found was alarming.  Did you know the Department of Justice is basically a Roman bathhouse?  It’s true!  Naked statues flock around every entrance.  And Union Station?  Yeah, those centurions…they’re naked behind their shields.  The Washington Monument may as well be an enormous phallus, and don’t even get me started on the dirty words that are emblazoned on the Jefferson Memorial defending his stance on the separation of Church and State, “I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."

As I wandered and thought about all the things I’d have to avoid, I became sad.  I was sad that these kids are being sheltered to the point that they are discouraged from thinking for themselves.  They are not getting the full story on the foundation of America.  They are being given a very narrow point of view, and they probably aren’t the only ones.  They are being taught that all nudity is evil, yet they’re clearly engaged in sexual relationships.  One couple, in particular, was, most likely, doing it on the trip…and I wouldn’t be surprised if the girl was pregnant considering her morning nausea.  Protecting them to the point of smothering doesn’t help them grow.  Hiding the world around them doesn’t help them own their faith.  It doesn’t help them make well-informed decisions.  It doesn’t help them become productive members of society.  It just holds them back.

Call me a bleeding-heart liberal if you want, but I think it’s wrong to shield students (especially young adults) from the truth.  You can’t pretend that the Europeans did not mistreat the Indians and take their land.  You can’t pretend that slavery didn’t happen.  And you definitely shouldn’t live under some belief that the Holocaust was created in the imagination of disgruntled Jews.  All of these things happened.  All of these things should be taught.  Why?  So it doesn’t happen again.  I just came back from Cambodia where I saw the after-effects of a recent genocide (where they government controlled the population by outlawing education and killing anyone who had one).  This shit shouldn’t happen.  And the only way to prevent it is through education for it is the only way to empower the population.  Knowledge is power, end of story.

But enough of that rant…

While I was on the Mall, I received a frantic phone call from the group leader.  Guess what?!  They were lost.  All they had to do was walk down 7^th street toward the grass.  Did they?  No.  They walked down Constitution Ave.  I asked if they could see the grass.  Their answer?  No.  I asked if they were next to the National Gallery of Art.  Their answer?  No.  The true answer?  Yes.  I asked them to read the street signs (which apparently don’t exist in San Antonio because this group NEVER seemed to read street signs in their attempt to get found).  Finally, I was able to locate them based on the limited information they were giving and sent them to the Air and Space Museum.  Later, as I was walking over to the bus to meet them, I found half of the group walking toward me.  They said hello and passed me.  When I inquired as to where they were headed, they told me, “The bus.”  I then pointed them in the direction I was heading (which was in the direction of the bus and asked who told them to walk away from the bus.  The answer?  The group leader.  She had already been to the bus and STILL didn’t know where it was.

Once we were back on the bus, the group looked nothing short of angry.  Apparently the trip to the National Archives and Air and Space were not as exciting as the dinosaurs they originally set out to see.  That night I gave them a tour of the monuments and we headed to the hotel. 

The next day we had an exciting day of touring Arlington National Cemetery where the group leader inquired about why Jewish graves have stones on top of them.  When I offered to call up one of my Jewish friends to learn the answer, she asked in a rather surprised tone, “You know Jewish people?  Do you just have them around as a resource?”

And how exactly does one answer that question?  The thing that kills me about it is that she was a smart person.  She was educated, and she had lived in places other than Texas--foreign places.  Yes, she lived in Germany for twelve years.  How is it possible that an educated person is so naïve?  My answer was simply that I have all kinds of friends.  I chose not to mention that I know gay people too.  That usually goes without saying once people learn that I live in San Francisco (and see my striking resemblance to Barbra Streisand...under the gorilla suite of course).  Oh Lord!  Can you imagine if they went to San Francisco?  DC has nothing on this haven of sin.

Our day was to be capped off with the ghost tour of Alexandria.  Now, the teacher had been given an itinerary of the tour months ago.  She knew we were going on a ghost tour.  She also was a present and contributing member to a conversation about the ghost tour way back on the first day (which at this point felt like three weeks ago).  And yet, she still seemed shocked and dismayed when I approached the subject with her.  Being that I was a little nervous about it, I didn’t even mention the fact that we had a tour that night.  Then, as we were leaving Mt. Vernon, the teacher from the other group (which, I should mention, consisted of 6^th-8^th graders from Colorado who were much better behaved and less problematic than the seniors from Texas) made a mention of the ghost tour.  And that’s when I had to start the conversation.

Once we were back on the bus, I turned to the group leader.  “I guess we should talk about this evening’s activity.  Is the ghost tour going to be a problem?”

Exasperated she replied, “Well of course it is.”  She threw her hands up in the air.  “But the damage is already done.  What can I do now?”

“Well, I could find another activity for you all to do while the other group goes on the tour.”

“No.  It’s fine.  I’ll just have to deal with it.  We’ll have to make sure that they know these stories are pure fiction.  I’ve already had students approaching me, fearfully asking me if the stories are real.  I can’t have them thinking ghosts exist.”

As she was saying this, I caught the eye of the other group leader who was totally and completely disgusted at this point.  “Okay.  I’m sorry this is a problem.”

“I know.  It’s not your fault.  I should have done more research.”

And with that, we were off, and I was over it.   It’s appalling that this woman couldn’t trust these young adults to be able to decipher fact from fiction for themselves.  How does she (and the school and church it's associated with) expect them to survive on their own?  How are they supposed to be able to do ANYTHING without being told exactly what to do?  Appalling.

So what did I do when they were hearing ghost stories?  I went to a bar.  I had ceased to care.

The next morning was our final day in DC.  We went to the Capitol where I just pretended there wasn’t a half-naked George Washington painting in the Rotunda.  We went to the Library of Congress where, through a little bit of luck, I managed to NOT walk by Neptune.  And we concluded our Capitol Hill jaunt at the Supreme Court where the anti-abortion protestors stood silently with tape over their mouths, like they do every day.  Being that abortion is always a hot button issue, I did my best to avoid the conversation and simply answered the student’s questions by explaining what they were protesting and informing them that one of the great liberties we have in America is our right to free speech and to voice our opinions.  I simply pretended to be deaf when the 34-year-old male chaperone attempted to incite a fight by making claims that conservative America is always ignored.  I realize the irony in that response, but my job is to show them the sights, not to take a political stance.

The end was near, and I could feel the glee welling up inside of me.  We loaded the bus, and drove them out of the modern-day Sodom and Gomorra.  I said my goodbyes at the airport and left with a feeling of relief and exhaustion. 

I’ve come away from that week with new insight into what it must be like to search for immorality at every turn.  Living for the Lord is never easy, but forcing irrational ideals upon unwitting youth must be exhausting.  How does one travel through the world, finding offense in everything they pass?  Where is the line? 

I think my line is dotted, and I like it that way.