Uhhh….why?
I spent my week at a record convention, but more importantly, I spent my week being unwittingly stalked by reality tv stars. That's right. Dan from The Biggest Loser was everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Day 1:
It all started at a suite party on Monday night. I'd spent the earlier part of my evening at dinner with the management team of my company. We had a delightful time, and when we got back to the hotel, we spent some quality time yacking it up in the lobby bar. In fact, while in the bar, the CFO (who, for the sake of a visual image, has an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Furley from Three's Company) declared himself my dating coach and proceeded to shoo away any potential suitors (well, to be honest, he shooed away anyone male regardless of their intentions, making me suspect that the dating coach thing was merely a ploy to get me to spend time with him exclusively). The joke went on all week long—especially after one of my clients believed that the CFO truly was my dating coach and started telling other people (in a somewhat bewildered and slightly worried way) that I brought a dating coach to the convention. Luckily for me, I was alerted to his confusion early on, so I was able to set my poor client straight. After that, we were friends for life.
Once things were winding down in the old lobby bar, a group of us headed up to a suite party. We walked in, and I immediately spotted a familiar face in the middle of the room. I couldn't place him at first, but then I realized…that's Dan from the Biggest Loser. And then I made another realization—I hate that guy! At first I wasn't convinced that it actually was Dan, but as I wandered around the party (which didn't take too long because the suite wasn't THAT big), I kept walking past him and determined it must be him. So that's when I started trying to get other people in on it. I mean, what if I was just seeing things? I had competed in a triathlon the day before, and I was still a little tired…and it was late after all. The first 14 people that I approached didn't watch the show, so they couldn't corroborate my story. Not to be deterred, I soldiered on and started asking people outside on the balcony.
Finally, I found a viewer in one of my friends from New York. "Do you watch the Biggest Loser?" I asked.
"Yeah," she suddenly got excited. "Is that really Dan from the Biggest Loser in there?!"
"It totally is!"
"I have to meet him. I need to get my picture with him. Come with me!" She grabbed my hand, and we went back inside the party. I stood on the sidelines because I had no desire to meet Dan from the Biggest Loser. None. I couldn't help but stare though because he was about my height, and while he was a regular-sized guy now…he started out around 350 pounds on the show. That dude was HUGE. Kudos to him for the accomplishment.
My friend chatted with him and got her picture taken. When she came back, she exclaimed, "That was so cool! My boyfriend will never believe I met him. We love that show. I asked him how is mom was. And did you notice? He's drinking water. Good for him. You know it must suck to be on that show because people recognize you in public and scrutinize everything you put in your mouth."
That was all fine and good, but I had bigger fish to fry and more important questions to ask. "Now why is he here?"
She handed me a business card. It read, "I Saw You On TV". We surmised that he (and a guy from Survivor who I didn't spot, so I was just taking everyone's word on that one) was on a record label by that name. Weird. Well, he did like to claim that he was all rock and roll, so I guess it's fitting.
Once the mystery of Dan from the Biggest Loser was solved, I looked at my timepiece (aka my cell phone) and realized that I needed to get back to my chariot before it turned into a pumpkin. We left the suite, and I headed outside. Being the klutz that I am, I tripped on myself and fell in front of all of the people smoking outside. It was one of those magical maneuvers where I was on the ground and back up before I even fully understood what happened. I walked so quickly that I made it half a block before one of the smokers called after me to make sure I was okay.
Once I rounded the corner to get the garage where my car was housed, I discovered that I was too late. A pumpkin it had become…well, it was locked in the garage for the night. So, I hailed a cab and directed the driver to my house. Then I opened my wallet to discover that I didn't have enough cash, so I directed the driver to the bank three blocks away from my house. We pulled up to the bank, and I went inside to get money from the ATM. Upon my return to the cab, I handed him the money, including a pretty hefty tip, and rather than allow me back in the car to drive me back to my house, he turned around and drove off. Now just so we are all clear, he drove off in the direction of my house. Considering the fact that it was 2am, and I was alone, and a girl, and I might have been a little tipsy, and I gave him a large tip, you'd think the least he could have done was to let me sit in the car for the three blocks he was driving regardless of my presence in the car. But, no. I had to walk by myself. So distraught was I that I chose to seek comfort in the doughnut shop one block from my house.
Day 2:
I went back to the hotel for a full day of meetings. Let's not dwell on that. Instead, let's get to what happened that night. Once the meetings were over, I wound up in the lobby bar (in between helping to set-up our suite party). Who was there? Do I really need to ask? Dan from the Biggest Loser. Seriously?
After that, I went up to our suite party. Dan from the Biggest Loser was not in attendance; however, I wouldn't have been shocked if he was.
Then we had dinner at a Chinese place and came back to the lobby bar. Who was always at least ten feet away from me? Dan from the Biggest Loser. That dude was everywhere. I went down to a special event and he was there too. Does he have a decoy? How is he everywhere that I go? I went back to the lobby bar, and he was there AGAIN! I kept pointing him out to everyone around me. It started to appear to others that I had a sick fascination with Dan from the Biggest Loser. I couldn't stop talking about him. I constantly looked in his direction. I was obsessed…and I can't stand him! (The previous statement is based solely on my feelings toward him while watching the show. Since I never made any attempt to talk to him in person, I have no idea what he is really like on a personal level, so my opinion is based on nothing more than voyeuristic television viewing and snappy editing.)
As the night wore on, I became more and more exhausted, and my contacts became more and more foggy. It was time to go. I said my goodbyes and managed to escape the stranglehold that another friend put on me as he attempted to drag me up to a party (that Dan from the Biggest Loser apparently attended as well). I went outside to the valet and requested my car. As I was waiting for my car, I saw someone walk toward me. He was wearing a tye-dyed tank top and had wild hair and a scruffy beard. No way. Rupert from Survivor.
I kept glancing over, trying to determine whether or not my eyes were deceiving me. My contacts were really foggy, so that was a definite possibility. But, no. It was true. Rupert from Survivor was standing next to me in the parking garage at 1:30 in the morning. It was definitely time for me to go home.
So that was the guy from Survivor that was here with Dan from the Biggest Loser. Weird.
Day 3:
More meetings. More talking. Some shopping.
Then…
Lobby bar.
Who was there?
Dan from the Biggest Loser.
Who was I talking about?
Dan from the Biggest Loser.
What was I saying?
I can't stop talking about Dan from the Biggest Loser because he's EVERYWHERE. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm obsessed with him. I am obsessed with him. And I don't even like him. I just can't help but notice every time he is within ten feet of me, which is constantly! AAAAAAAAA!
Next stop: Banquet
Who was there?
Everyone including Dan from the Biggest Loser and Rupert from Survivor.
What was the dress code?
Formal.
What was Rupert wearing?
Tye-dyed t-shirt, jeans, Birkenstocks, and a sports coat.
What's next?: Lobby Bar.
Who's there?
Dan from the Biggest Loser.
And what did I do next?
I went on a lame party-hopping adventure led by my dating coach. Here's the story. My group of lobby friends and I were going to head up to a party when I spotted my dating coach. I informed him of the plan, and he told me that the parties were terrible. One was too crowded and the other was totally dead. Not willing to take his word for it, I insisted that we go. So, we all piled in the elevator to head to the big party on the 36th floor. The whole ride up to the party, my dating coach told us that the party was too crowded and not worth the effort. We fell out of the elevator and made our way into the party. A coworker stopped me in the hallway, but my dating coach located me and pushed me into the party. It was crowded, but not unmanageable (and, yes, Dan from the Biggest Loser was there). I found someone with whom to chat, and ten minutes into my conversation, my dating coach came up behind me and told me it was time to see the dead party.
He pushed me out the door and into a crowded elevator. Apparently, it was too crowded because it wouldn't move. We got out of the elevator and saw that one opened up on the other side. Who was in the elevator with us? Rupert from Survivor. He made some comment about the other elevator being broken in his very gruff voice and we held a polite conversation. Some of the other guys from our former elevator piled in. My dating coach insisted on pushing the button for the 4th floor. When I glanced at the button, I noticed it said "Massage – Fitness – Center".
"Uh, where are we going exactly?" I asked.
"You'll see."
"Should I be concerned that you're taking me to the Massage floor?" Everyone in the elevator turned to look at us and appeared somewhat horrified.
Indignant, my dating coach replied, "That is disgusting. We aren't getting massages. We are going to something much less exciting."
At that point, we arrived on the 4th floor, and my dating coach pushed me through the hall to the dead party. Boy was it dead. The music was WAY too loud for the 14 people that were in there. I grabbed a glass of wine, looked around for a bit, then noticed that Dan from the Biggest Loser was there too. WHAT?!
My dating coach declared the party lame, so we headed back to the 36th Floor. Before getting to the elevator, we were informed that that party was shut down. We went back to the dead party. Then we decided to go back to the 36th floor just in case. They weren't letting anybody back in. So, we headed back down to the dead party. At some point, my dating coach decided to call it a night, and I located my original lobby friends. We all reconvened at another party on the 30th floor. Oh yeah, and Dan from the Biggest Loser was in there too.
We were there entirely too long. By 3:30 AM, we were all sitting around complaining about the fact that we were there in the first place. All at once, we made a hasty exit, and one idiot at the door grabbed my arm and chastised us for leaving. Apparently the party was just beginning. I, along with the help of my friends, freed myself from his grasp and went home.
I never saw Dan from the Biggest Loser again… Nor did I see Rupert… Until I looked up http://isawyouontv.com/.
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