Yes, yes, I know, where have I been? Why haven’t I written anything in weeks? Do I not care about the needs of my readers? Well, of course I do, but I’ve just been very busy. I hope everyone took a good look at themselves and found something productive to do with their time that would have been spent reading my prose. Now that I’m back, please stop doing those other things and pay a little attention to me.
So, tonight I went to Chevy’s. No, you don’t need to tell me what kind of chain-restaurant-adoring loser I am, I already know. The thing is, as much as I love/hate Chevy’s, I haven’t been there in ages. In fact, I was only there on a whim. You see, I had to go to the bookstore to purchase some books on wine. I have less than a week to become an aficionado (of which I will tell later because I don’t want to jinx anything). Since Chevy’s was right next to Borders, I thought, "Why not?" So I did.
It was happy hour, and the place was bumpin’. No, seriously. It was totally crowded. You’d think that a crappy chain restaurant in San Francisco would be last place to be considered a "hot spot", but when you’re at the mall on the edge of the city, just bordering on the ’burbs...that joint is off the hook. (No, I don’t know when or why I started speaking in faux ebonics)
Since I was a lone diner and really just wanted to dig into "Wine: For Dummies", I figured I’d sit in the bar (and just hope that my usual waiter wasn’t there because even if I haven’t been there in 12 years, he still knows me and still asks me about his job and tells me about his sister...but he is really good about refilling my iced tea in a timely manner...and if I have leftovers, he gives me extra food, so I have a full meal at home...so it’s not all bad I suppose, but sometimes I just want to be incognito). After waiting for what felt like an eternity, but was probably only 7 minutes, I found my spot in the second to last seat at the bar. An older Asian lady sat next to me and pointed out the happy hour specials. Admittedly, I planned on eating fajitas...until I looked at the happy hour specials and determined that $3 fajita nachos would do the trick. Eventually, I ordered, and I perused the introduction of my book.
After snacking on chips for awhile, my food arrived. I dug in just in time for the show to start. We’re talking impromptu dinner theater here. It was awesome (the food was not...much like in actual dinner theater).
The first character, a biker type, walked up to the server side of the bar and asked if he could make an order to go. He seemed to be in a bit of a hurry, yet took his sweet time deciding what he wanted as he asked the bartender (who was overloaded with fruity margarita orders) to describe almost everything on the menu. He wandered away for awhile, then came back and inquired about happy hour because the Asian woman next to me alerted him to its existence. He then added some flautas onto his order and walked away. After a few minutes, he was back. It was at this point that realized he was acting like a total tweaker. He ordered a shot of tequila and insisted that the bartender fill it to the top. When he ordered it, he said he needed it quickly. Once it was in his hands, he downed it and looked around nervously. Then he ordered a margarita.
Around this time a couple wandered over to order drinks while they waited for a table. Once again, the Asian lady next to me encouraged them to drink margaritas during happy hour. In the beginning, they were pretty uninteresting. He was an older guy in his late 40’s, early 50’s. She was a Slavic woman in her mid-30’s. Then, he opened his mouth, and he sounded like Thurston Howell III. I had no choice but to eavesdrop, and now I will re-enact the conversation for your reading pleasure:
Thurston Howell III: (You have to do the voice in your head, otherwise it’s far too mundane) What are those drinks over there? (pointing at bartender making a strawberry margarita.)
Asian Lady: That’s a margarita. You should get one. They are on happy hour special until 7pm. Order now, so you get it for $3. The fruity ones are $3.25.
THIII: Really? Well, then we should get that. I’ll get that one, what will you have?
Slavic Woman: I want a regular one like her.
AL: Mine is on the rocks, the strawberry one is frozen.
THIII: Okay, so we want a frozen on the rocks margarita.
AL: No, they are different. One is frozen, the other is one the rocks.
SW: I want the one she has.
THIII: Okay, we’ll both get that. Bartender! We’d like 2 margaritas before 7pm. (at this point, I wondered what time it was...and it was 5:55, so the whole "before 7pm" thing wasn’t exactly necessary)
SW: What is in those anyway?
AL: Tequila.
SW: Oh. It’s like on vacation.
THIII: Yes, I only get these on vacation in Mexico. I normally drink nice wine. I can’t believe we’re having a vacation drink. This is so fun.
SW: Yes, I get those when I go on vacation...in Mexico.
THIII & SW: (in unison) on the beach.
AL: Don’t go to Mexico on vacation. They don’t need the money. The United States needs the money. You stay here for vacation. We have a beach too. Here’s what I do. When I want to go to Mexico, I come here. It’s just like Mexico. If I want to go on a city vacation, I go get Irish Coffee at the Buena Vista Club. You can go on vacation here. US needs money. Don’t spend money in Mexico. They’re fine.
THIII: That’s a good idea. I haven’t been to Mexico in awhile. This is fun with the margarita. It IS like being on vacation.
SW: I drink these on the beach. It’s strange to drink them here.
AL: You should drink them here in the US. They are better. Mexico doesn’t need money. We have to save our economy.
(The margaritas arrive.)
THIII: These are delicious.
SW: Yes. What’s in them?
THIII: I don’t know. I think there’s tequila. (Turning to Asian Lady) What’s in these other than tequila?
AL: You can make at home. Tequila, Triple Sec, Sweet & Sour. It’s easy.
THIII: It’s delicious.
SW: Yes, very. It’s like we’re on vacation.
(Time passes. The Asian Lady asks me to pass the happy hour menu and inquires as to what I’m eating. Apparently, even though she’s an expert at directing people TO the happy hour menu, she doesn’t actually know what anything is ON the happy hour menu. I describe all 6 items because I’m a begrudging connoissuer of Chevy’s after living 2 blocks away from one in Manhattan--no, I refuse to explain any further)
SW: Their salsa is the best.
THIII: Yes, it’s spot-on.
SW: Everything here is so fresh.
THIII: Yes, this place is very authentic.
SW: It’s really impressive.
(At this moment, their name is called, so the leave to go to their table.)
THIII: (To Asian Lady) Have a great night. Good luck saving the economy.
AL: Thanks, I will.
SW: Thanks for the suggestion.
THIII: Yes, I don’t know what we would have done without you.
AL: Okay. Remember to spend your money in the United States.
Uhhhh....what? I don’t even know where to begin with this. The entire time they were talking, the tweaker dude was standing behind them looking paranoid and occasionally ordering more food to go. But back to the conversation. Ummm...so that couple was totally pretentious, and yet, they were acting as though Chevy’s was fine dining. I think they were aware that they were slumming it, but they seemed to believe that they were on the high end of the crappy chain restaurant range. And what was the deal with them not knowing what was in a margarita? And what was going on with happy-hour-pusher-turned-savior-of-the-US-economy? I have to credit her with the fact that my dinner only cost $6, but I’m not so sure ordering off the happy hour menu at Chevy’s is going to pull us out of this slump.
Oh well. I finished my crappy meal, and headed home...because I had something to write about.
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