Card Carrying Member of the Sour Toe Cocktail Club

Jealous?

You should be.

I drank a shot of whiskey with a severed human toe in it, and I have a card AND a certificate to prove it!

You see, there's this little club in Dawson City, Yukon Territory, Canada, and all you have to do to become a member is drink a shot of Yukon Jack with a preserved severed human toe in it.  The rules require that you touch your lips to the toe.  Apparently, it's quite a tradition.  I'm the 31,400th member of the club.

You can google it to learn more, but I'll give you the skinny.  Basically, this little club started in the 1970's, and the toe is allegedly the amputated toe of miner from the 1920's.  It's been preserved in alcohol and salt, and it is nasty!  Apparently, people will their toes to the Captain to be used in the ceremony.

Anyone with $5 and an iron stomach can join the club.  You simply need to sign your name, buy a shot, and the Captain (who is this creepy pirate-like guy with bad breath and rotting teeth) will drop the toe in your drink.  The rules are simple, "You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but your lips must touch touch this gnarly toe."

We were inducted into the club in groups of three.  He would say each line to each person, and on the third person, he would shove the toe in their face and flap a hang nail/skin flap on the toe.  It was pretty disgusting.  I was in the second group to try the toe, and I was the third person, so I had the image of the skin flap burned on my memory.

Once it was my turn, I readied myself for the barrage of photos, and before I knew it, the Captain had dropped the toe in my glass.  I drank it, but the toe didn't slide to my lips, so I, like everyone else, pulled it out of the glass with my fingers and placed it in my mouth.  The Captain jumped in and announced that I didn't qualify because it didn't touch my lips while I was drinking the shot.  Not wanting to be a failure, I put it back in the glass, and knocked it into my mouth.  And then, I joined the club!

It was totally gross.  What's ever worse is that he charges a $500 fine to anyone that swallows the toe.  Who would do that?  Gross!

The best part about being a member of the club is that I can put the toe in my drinks for free from now on!

Lucky, huh?

You Can’t Stop the “Walk”

Oh Canada!  Blah blah blah blah blah blah….

Yup, you guessed it!  I’m in Canadia!  We’ve been journeying through the Yukon Territory for the past couple of days, and while I’ve taken in the sights, I’ve also taken in a load of information (some of which I may have napped through).  The one topic I did not sleep through was…. (drum roll please) … THE NOROVIRUS!

Yay!

Hey kids, did you know that I have a 60% chance of catching it while I’m up here in Alaska?  I didn’t.  I was blissfully unaware.  Here I thought you had to be on a cruise ship to catch such a thing, but I suppose if you are traveling around in a bus with people who have been (or are going to be) on a cruise ship, it’s pretty likely that this nasty little virus might drop into your intestinal tract to say hello.

Wanna know what it does?  Well, I’ll give you the short version.  It’s bad.  Really bad.  Think projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea AT THE SAME TIME!  And think of it on a motor coach…and just imagine if 10 other people on the motor coach have it at the same time?!  Doesn’t that sound awesome?!

Once you get it, you’re screwed.  There’s nothing you can do.  AND…you have to be quarantined for 72 hours.  I so hope this won’t happen to me.  All I wanted to do was wash my hands in bleach…repeatedly.

I know what you want to know.  Isn’t there a way to avoid the virus?  Why, yes, there is!  Constant hand washing.  In fact, you may as well wear disposable gloves everywhere you go because this virus hangs out everywhere.  We got a stern lecture on buffet lines, as in, never go to a buffet because it’s a disaster waiting to happen.  Those utensils are like a cess pool of disease.

So guess what we had for dinner?

Buffet.

And guess what we’re doing tomorrow night?

Drinking shots of whiskey with a severed human toe in the glass.

You’ll have to stay tuned for that action.

Hey Alaska, I'm HEEEeeeeere!

Well, I made it.  I'm in Alaska, and I've been here for four whole days.  Yup.  Four days.

My first day, I arrived just before 5pm, and I checked into my hotel.  Once I got settled, I decided that I needed to run outside and check out Anchorage before it got dark.  Funny...it doesn't dark until after midnight.  I can prove it.  I took a picture!

What time do you think it is?  4pm?  Wrong!  I took that photo at 9:15 at night!  I know!

So, around 11pm, I decided to close the curtains; otherwise I'd never sleep.  Once I fooled myself into believing it was actually bedtime, I went to sleep.  And then I woke up at 5am--to bright sunlight.

On my first full day in Alaska, I met my fellow Tour Director Trainees, and we boarded the longest short flight I've ever been on in my entire life!  We flew from Anchorage to Juneau (because there are only two ways into Juneau--air or sea.  But rather than flying direct, we took the milk flight.  What's the milk flight?  Oh, you don't know?  It's the cargo flight that carries supplies to the towns between Anchorage and Juneau, so we stopped in two small towns on the way.  We boarded our flight at 2:45pm and landed in Juneau at 7:35.  A direct flight would have been one hour.  However, I did see some mountains along the way!

Once we arrived in Juneau, I ate King Crab and went to bed.  I know, I totally know how to live it up. But wait!  I had good reason.  We had to be awake at 4:45 in the morning!  Woo!!!

We boarded a coach, stopped to look at a glacier, then headed for the day ferry to Skagway.  It was beautiful!  Not only did I see a ton of gorgeous scenery (on what was apparently a rare sunny day), I also saw sea lions, a dolphin, and some orcas.  It was awesome.

After 5 1/2 hours of ferry riding, we landed in Skagway and were whisked into town (which took about 3 minutes, seeing as how the entire town is 1 mile long).  We wandered around, had a meeting, wandered some more, and then I went to sleep.  And here's a little picture from the ferry ride.

And that's my trip so far.

Yay.

I'll be snarky soon enough, don't worry.

Red Bull

Red Bull? On a plane?  Really?  Who thinks that's a good idea?

Worst. Job. Ever. Part 4: The Promotion

Wednesday morning arrived quickly—mostly because I had to be at the Marriott at 6:45 in the morning.  I arrived on time and before my supervisor.  My supervisor arrived, and I introduced myself.

Me: Hi, I’m Cardelia.  I’m working in the speaker room today.

Supervisor: Hello.  It doesn’t look like the room is open yet, so just sit in here for a while.

I walked into the employee lounge and took a seat.

Me: So, do you know what I’ll be doing today?

S: (Giving me a confused look.)  I’m pretty sure you’ll just be sitting.

Me: Oh, I was told that I would be doing administrative work.

S: No.  You’re just sitting there.

Me: Okay.

Some time passes, and I offered to check to see if the room is open.  It wasn’t, so I walked back.  As I walked into the employee lounge, I saw Cheryl, the head supervisor from Moscone West.  She was explaining to the Marriott supervisor that I never showed up for work, so she brought Michelle to work in the speaker room.  As I walked in, the supervisor pointed to me and said, “She’s right here.  This is Cardelia.  She’s been here for a half an hour.”

Cheryl looked at me with scorn and told the supervisor that she was surprised that I was the person assigned to this job since it required a special kind of person.  The supervisor told her that she thought I’d do a fine job.  Not knowing quite what to do, I just smiled and sat down.  As I sat down, the room monitor supervisor (who offered me the speaker room) walked in.  He and Cheryl had a tete-a-tete about me.  Once Cheryl left, he walked over and told me that Cheryl wasn’t very smart.  Sadly for me, Cheryl, along with everyone else, seemed to think I was a total idiot.

Not wanting to deal with any more insults, I walked back over to the speaker room, which was still locked.  There was a seat outside of the room, and I sat down, thinking it was likely my post.  A woman from the software company came by to set up a meeting in the room next to the speaker room.  As she stood there, she chatted with me, and it was the most refreshing conversation I had all week.  She spoke to me as though I were an intellectual equal—and I WAS.

Her meeting started, and another woman from the software company walked over.  I had a hunch she was my contact, Amy.

Me: Hi, I’m Cardelia.  Are you Amy, by chance?

Amy: Yes, I am.

Me: It’s nice to meet you.  I’m working with you today.

Amy: Great.  I hope you brought a book or something.  It’s pretty boring.

Me: Oh, I didn’t.  Hey, so the door is locked.  I’ve been here since 6:45, and I’ve been waiting for someone to open it.

Amy: That’s weird.  I’ll call them.

(She made a phone call, and we were told that someone was on the way.  Within minutes, Gordon (from the training session) arrived.)

Gordon: Oh, hi.  How are you?

Amy: I’m fine.  The door is locked.

Gordon: Oh, okay.  We’ll take care of that for you (he looks at her nametag) Amy.  (He got on his walkie-talkie and called the same person that Amy had just called.  Once he finished, he turned to me.) Oh so, (looking at Amy’s nametag), Amy, this is (looking at my nametag), Cardelia.  She’s here.  She’s going to be in the room with you.  She’s…

Me: (Interrupting.)  We’ve already met.

Amy: Yeah, it’s fine.  We’ve been talking for a little bit already.

Gordon: Oh, okay.  Well, she’s here to do whatever you need.

(At long last, the woman with the keys approaches.)

Woman: I unlocked this door already.  Someone was here.  It was unlocked.  That girl must have closed the door.  It was unlocked.  I unlocked it at seven.  Someone’s lying here.

(ed. The only person lying was her, seeing as how I had been there since 6:45)

The door was unlocked and we all walked in.  Gordon nervously walked in and glanced around.

Gordon: Okay, Cardelia.  Have you been in the speaker room before?

Me: No. This is my first day.

Gordon: Okay, let’s see.  You should probably sit down.  Ummm… (Looking around the room)  I think you should sit here.  (He moves a chair to the back corner of the room facing the wall.)  Yes. That’s a good spot.  Then you can watch things.

Me: Okay.

Gordon: So, do you know what you’re doing?

Me: Well, I was told I’d be helping the speakers

Gordon: Yeah, well, you’re watching the room.  Let me orientate you.

(I cringed.  In case you aren’t aware, “orientate” is NOT a verb.  It’s not even a word!)

Gordon: (Looking around the room, pointing at things.) There is quite a bit of computer equipment in here, and you need to make sure no one takes it.  So, on this table, you see these things?  Those are cables.  You hook up computers to those.  Over here.  This is a printer.  Do you know what that does?  And over there (he points to the copy machine), have you ever seen one of those before?

Me: Yes.  It’s a copy machine.

Gordon: Do you need me to orientate you on that?

Me: No.  I know how to use a copy machine.

Gordon: I should probably orientate you.

Me: No.  I’m good.  I know how to use it.  I’ve been using them for over 20 years.

Amy: Oh, that’s broken.

Gordon: Oh, let me get it fixed.  I’ll call someone. (At that moment, he sees the walkie talkie.) This is yours.  Do you know how to use it?

Me: I’m sure I could figure it out.  It’s basically like a phone.

Gordon: Okay, let me orientate you. (He picks up the walkie-talkie and points to the Red button.)  This is the button you push to turn it on. (He points to the GREEN button.) And this button turns it off.  After you turn it on, you dial the number you want to call and you talk.  (He then demonstrates on his device; however, he pushes the GREEN “talk” button to dial, and he calls Cheryl). Oh, hi Cheryl, this is Gordon.

Cheryl: (Who is totally audible because she is on speaker phone.) Hi.  How can I help you?

Gordon: Well, I’m here with Cardelia, and I was showing her how to use the walkie-talkie.

Cheryl: Oh, okay.  So, how is Cardelia?  Is she going to work for the position?

Gordon: (Suddenly uncomfortable.) Yes. She’s fine.

Cheryl: Well, I’m just asking because I’m just not sure.  We thought she might work, but I don’t know how smart she is.

Gordon: (Scrambling to turn down the volume, he mistakenly turns is up as Cheryl slings her insults, then he runs across the room.) She’s fine.  She’s fine.

Cheryl: Okay, well, you let me know if we need to find someone else.

Gordon: We’ll be fine. (Hangs up.) Do you have any questions?

Me: Nope.  I’ve got it all down.

Gordon: Okay, well let me know if you need anything.

Me: Will do.

Gordon left.  Amy looked at me and smirked.  I then faced the wall and tried to entertain myself with nothing.  Eventually, I asked Amy if I could run to the coffee shop to get some breakfast.  When I came back, I played a rousing game of Brickbreaker.  Around lunch time two girls came to relieve Amy.  At that time, I went to get some food.  While I was out, I picked up the newspaper.  When I returned, I read the entire newspaper.  Once I finished reading it, the girls started talking to me.

Girl 1: So, what is it that you’re doing here?

Me: Honestly?  I’m not sure why I need to be here.  I’m supposed to be watching the room.

Girl 2: But no one is in here.

Me: I know, it seems like a waste of resources.

Girl 1: Why didn’t you bring a book?

Me: I was specifically told not to. In fact, we aren’t allowed to have anything with us.

Girl 2: That’s ridiculous.

Me: I know.  But I’m a rule-follower.  Not only am I not allowed to read, I’m supposed to look like I’m happy to be here.

Girl 2: But it’s obvious to everyone that you aren’t doing anything.

Me: I know.  It’s kind of humiliating in a way.

Girl 2: I could see that.

Girl 1: We’re going to try to leave early.  

Girl 2: Yeah, we’re calling our supervisor.  If we can close this room, then you can go home too.

Me: Sounds good to me.

Girl 1: Why are you doing this job anyway?

Me: Well, I’d like to say I’m doing it for the money, but the truth is that I was bored.

Girl 2: (Laughs.) And you chose to sit silently in a room?

Me: It’s the grand irony of my life.  What can I say?  It’s just one of may poor choices that I’ve made in my life.

After about ten minutes, we were dismissed.  I said goodbye to my new cohorts, and I went home, vowing NEVER to do convention work again.

Worst. Job. Ever. Part 3: My Life as a Room Monitor

I rolled into Moscone West at 9:45 on Monday ready for action.  Room monitoring action.  I was a bundle of nervous energy.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I was just ready to see what the next eight hours had in store for me.

The first task was to sign in, once that was complete, I was sent me to my station—Door 217.  There I met my work buddy for the next three days, Jake.  How do I begin to describe Jake?  One word sums him up—simple.  Jake was a tall guy in his late 40’s.  He was wearing an ill-fitting suit and reminded me of the dumb mafia goon from any number of movies.  Our first conversation was much like every other conversation.

Jake: You must be Cardelia. Hi, I’m Jake.

Me: Yep, that’s me.  Nice to meet you.

Jake: They’re bringing out the coffee soon.

Me: Oh.

Jake: Yeah, we’re gonna have coffee soon. I bet it’s good.

Me: (thinking) Is this coffee for the conventioneers?  Because we aren’t allowed to drink that.

Jake: You drink coffee?

Me: No, I drink tea.

Jake: Oh.  That’s too bad.  It’s free.

Me:  Hmm.

(Time passes.)

Jake: I hope they bring out the coffee soon.

Me: Uh huh.

Jake: I’m gonna get some coffee. Hey look, I think they’re bringing it out. (Shouting to the banquet people.) Is that the coffee?  Yeah, I bet’s good.  (As the banquet people are setting up the coffee, Jake wanders over, takes a cup and brings it back to the table.)  Hey Cardelia, you want some coffee?

Me: No, thanks.  I’m fine.

Jake: Why not? It’s free.

Me: I don’t like coffee.  I’m fine  Thanks.

Jake: That’s too bad.  They have other stuff.  They have tea.  You drink tea?

Me: I’m fine.  Thanks.

Jake: Suit yourself

Within five minutes, the entire foyer filled with convention-goers.  We sat there.  Then, after fifteen minutes of sitting while they mingled, the sessions were called. People started piling into rooms.  My job was to scan their badge and make sure they had signed up for the session being held in the room that I was monitoring.  Luckily for me, the scanners were broken, so most people were being denied.  Being a quick thinker, I just let people into the room.  Jake, on the other hand, chose to tell people “You’re denied”.  Surprisingly people weren’t too pleased.  I also had the displeasure to deal with obnoxious guys that were trying to sneak their friends in and talked down to me as though I were a total idiot.  I felt somewhat demeaned. 

Once everyone was in the sessions, I had to return to sitting.  We weren’t allowed to have a book or any form of entertainment.  All we were allowed to do was to sit and look interested in sitting.  We had ninety minutes before the session would be let out.  Of course, at the ten-minute countdown, I did have a job to do.  I had to stand in the room with a sign that said “10”, “5”, and “0”.  Until then, I had to sit.

Jake opted to use this time for multiple breaks.

“Hey Cardelia, I’m going to the restroom.”

Fifteen minutes passed, and Jake returned.

“Hey Cardelia, I’m gonna take a smoke break.”

Fifteen minutes passed, and Jake returned.

“Hey Cardelia, I’m taking my 15-minute break.”

Fifteen minutes passed, and Jake returned.

“Hey Cardelia, you should take your 15-minute break.”

I returned from my break.

“Hey Cardelia, I need to stretch my legs.”

And that’s what happened all day long for three days.  He also insisted on eating doughnuts and drinking sodas, coming back to the table to give me his review, which was usually, “This is good soda (slurp)”.  At first I just thought he was an idiot and didn’t understand that his bathroom and smoke break should have been in his single 15-minute break.  But now that I’ve had time to think about it, I realized that he might have been some sort of genius.

During one of Jake’s breaks, the woman sitting at the table across from me came over to chat.  She was missing a few teeth—important ones…in front.  She was insane and allegedly finishing her PhD.  Another guy walked over to chat with me and informed me that he hoped this would be his last show.  He was awaiting his California Bar results.  The strange part was that he told me that he hated California and had no desire to practice law there.  When pushed as to why he would take the California Bar if he wanted to practice law somewhere else (seeing as how state Bars don’t transfer), he looked at me as though I were an idiot and told me it was because he went to law school here. I attempted to press on, but realized it was fruitless—and wondered if he was just telling me stories.

And that pretty much sums up every day.  It was mind-numbing.  In the mornings, Jake gave me the wrap-up of his evening.

“Hey Cardelia, what did you do last night?  I went home and called my girlfriend.  She’s really nice.  Then I ordered pizza and I drank beer.  I hope they have doughnuts today.”

In the afternoons, Jake would disappear for hours, and I was alone at the table, which, quite frankly, was preferable to having company.

Every morning I had to convince myself to go.  There was a part of me that wanted to ditch out entirely, but in the end, my work ethic wouldn’t allow me.  On my third day, my break finally came.

One of the room supervisors approached me, and asked if I wanted to do a different job.  I have to admit I was a bit flattered.  He told me that they needed someone in the speaker room at the Marriott.  According to him, it was more of an administrative job, and they needed someone that could work with computers and had a brain.  As he said that he looked around and made a snide remark about the mental capabilities of my fellow room monitors.  I agreed to do the job, and I was a little excited.  Finally I was going to do something.  And I would never have to make small talk with Jake again!

Worst. Job. Ever. Part 2: Training Day

Saturday arrived, and I donned my all-black uniform and found my way to Moscone West at 10:30 in the morning where I found myself in a pool 200 similarly dressed convention workers.  Of all of those people, who walked in at the same time as me?  The Foot.

Yes there was annoying small talk.  No I didn’t like it.  Yes, I did opt to sit far, far away from him.

The training session was called to order and we were subjected to what can only be described as the most poorly executed nametag distribution process imaginable.  You would think that a company that hires people to run registration tables for 6000 convention-goers wouldn’t have any trouble passing out nametags to 200 employees.  And yet, they did!

Once most people had their nametags, we had a short break and were herded into a large conference room where our minds would be blown by a killer Power Point presentation.  Our host for the rest of the day, and head supervisor, was the worst public speaker I’ve ever been forced to endure.  We’ll call him Gordon.

Gordon started his 4-hour speaking engagement by complimenting us on our uniforms.  He loved, Loved, LOVED the sea of black.  Nothing could possibly look more sharp and professional.  After showering us with praise, Gordon turned on the charm and the presentation began.

For four long and tedious hours, Gordon ran through the slides and read each one verbatim.  Rather than expand upon what was written on the slide, he felt that certain parts of each sentence needed to be highlighted, so he would repeat random parts of each sentence three times.  As he did this, he interrupted himself to explain that repetition helps with memory.  It sounded something like this:

“I just want to orientate you on a few things.  I have a presentation that will orientate you on all of the aspects of this show.  Please pay attention and feel free to read along while I orientate you.  People learn different ways, so you can listen or you can read.  I’ll orientate you by repeating things that are important.  So, let’s start.  The slide here says, ‘The software company develops many products that used by consumers and businesses.’ Now, because I think there are some parts of this statement that are important to remember, I’ll repeat it.  Feel free to take notes.  This will all be very helpful to you to understand what this show is all about.  Now, here it says ‘products used by consumers and businesses’.  Did you get that?  ‘Consumers and businesses’.  Yeah, that’s a pretty big deal.”

Uhh….needless to say, I wanted to die.  Nothing that he said was important to the job.  Later we went through the ground rules of the job.

1. All black uniform.
2. No eating of your own food and especially no eating the convention food.
3. No reading. No iPods. No cell phones. No talking.
4. You are allowed 2 15-minute breaks and 1 30-minute lunch break each day.
5. At all times, you must appear to be excited to be there. Doing this will make the convention-goers excited.
6. Anytime someone passes you, look at their nametag and call them by their name.

Gordon then went on to discuss lunch:

“If the convention-goers want to partake lunch, then they partake lunch in the large dining room.  Some of them may approach you and try to partake lunch in a different room, but you must tell them to partake lunch in the large dining room.  Now if any of you have your 30-minute lunch break, you can partake your lunch in the staff office.  That is the only place you can partake lunch.  Do not try to partake lunch in the large dining room.  That is the room where the convention goers partake lunch, unless they are part of a special session and are partaking lunch elsewhere.”

Have you figured out why my ears started bleeding and a part of me died on the inside?  Was it his decision to use the word partake? Yes.  Was it because he over-used the word? Yes, the word partake should only be used once a day.  Was it because he incorrectly used it? Yes, “partake” doesn’t make sense unless a preposition like “of” or “in” is used with it.

And this went on throughout the day.

While he was discussing lunch, the natives were getting restless.  I’ll admit that I was a bit hungry too.  I did get there before 11am.  At this point it was after 2:30pm, and there was no sign of lunch.  Some of the more vocal members of the crowd started complaining.

“I’m hungry,” whined the woman behind me.  “This is wrong.  They gotta let us eat.  When’s lunch?  I’m huuuuuuungry.”

At first her cries went unnoticed, but then other people started chiming in.  The revolution had begun.

Gordon kept talking about partaking lunch, then realized that the groaning crowd needed to be addressed.

“Okay people,” he said.  “It sounds like we need a little break.  Let’s have a 5-minute break to stretch our legs.”

“But I’m HUUUUUUUUNNNNNGRY!” shouted the crazy woman behind me.  “Where’s my food?  I’m hungry!”

“You can get food when we finish at 4:00.”

“What?!” She was indignant, and judging by looks of dismay that stared back at Gordon, she wasn’t the only one.  “But I’m hungry now!”

(Did I mention that these were all adults?  All adults that were older than me?  Older by several years?)

Gordon was oblivious to their cries, and we then went on our 5-minute break.  Once we returned he spent an hour explaining to us where people could partake lunch (again) and where the certification classes were being held--except he didn’t pronounce the word “certification” correctly.  Rather than stressing the first syllable, he stressed the second, and repeatedly said “cerTIFication”, thus making my brain hurt.

The training session continued with Gordon repeating the same unnecessary information.  He spent 45 minutes recapping everything, re-read the slides verbatim, and repeated random parts of sentences for no good reason.  It was excruciating.

I suppose part of it had to do with his audience, but, quite frankly, it was offensive to sit through a 5-hour condescension session.  Gordon wrapped up the training by going through the uniform piece-by-piece.

“Now just so we’re all clear, you need to wear a black shirt, black pants, black shoes, black socks.  Does everybody get that?  Black shirt, black pants, black shoes, black socks.  Everything is black.  Your shirt is black.  Your pants are black.  Your shoes are black.  Your socks are black.  Black uniform.  No color.  All black.  Do we understand?  Here let me show you want I’m wearing.  I have a black shirt on.  My pants are black  I’m wearing a black belt too.  My shoes are black. And I have black socks on as well.  This is what you should wear while you’re working.  I think it looks sharp.  The all black.  It’s nice.  It’s really professional.  All black.”

No, I’m not kidding.

At long last, we were excused, and everyone was excited…to finally eat some lunch.