Titillating Tales of Terrible Tourists v.2: A Legacy of Bad Parenting

After the Fat Girls in Dresses episode of my tour guiding career, things went somewhat smoothly. I did have a sick passenger that had to be taken to the hospital. So, that was an experience. And then, one of my passengers cut herself with a plastic knife on the bus, so I had to get her to a hospital as well because she was convinced she needed stitches. I dealt with a few more people that raised a stink about tasting fees. But really, things were fine. Then one day, I encountered the most obnoxious person/family yet. And they were from Wisconsin.

It all started out innocently enough. They were sitting in the front, and I introduced myself to them. There were two couples. Apparently, the older couple were the parents of the youngish guy (who was probably in his late 20's/early 30's) and his wife. To make this story easier to tell, I should give them names. From now on, they will be known as Mom, Dad, and Son. The daughter-in-law was pretty quiet, so she won't factor into the story too much. At first sight, they seemed like a really nice family. That was probably because Dad was fast asleep during the entire bus ride up to the first winery.

That day we had the crappy schedule where we ate lunch first—at 10 o'clock in the morning. That's always a disappointment to the people that opted to bring their breakfast on the bus. It's rare to find someone that wants to eat their lunch within an hour of finishing their breakfast. We rolled up to our first stop, and Dad was roused from his sleep. He seemed like a fun-loving kind of guy. They opted to do their tasting first (as many do when we get to the lunch stop first), so I chatted with them at the tasting bar. They were a little on the loud side, but that's to be expected.

After the tasting, they got some lunch and bought a couple bottles of wine to drink with their lunch. I wandered around and chatted with everyone. Once our hour and a half was up at the winery, I collected everyone and we were back on the bus. Dad was awake, and he was already pretty drunk, which is pretty impressive. As the 15-minute ride continued, he became slightly obnoxious, but not too bad.

We got to the next winery where we took a tour, and he opted to bring his bag of food and wine with him to the tour. I found it odd, as did the docent who made note of the fact that Dad walked around the inside of the winery eating a baguette. Dad kept interrupting the tour with annoying questions, and he was obviously getting on everyone's nerves. Then, he crossed the line when someone asked how much an empty barrel weighs, and he decided to try and pick one up. The docent nicely reprimanded him since, well, there are safety issues at stake. Then Dad wandered around, knocking on things, sticking his head in vats. You know, doing things he shouldn't have been doing. The tasting started, and he continued to be obnoxious. It finally came to an end, and we were back on the bus.

Dad and Son spent the time asking me random questions just to see if I knew the answers. When we got to our third winery, I announced the time I wanted them back on the bus (which allowed us 45 minutes at the winery), and Dad "booed" me. He then complained that he wasn't getting enough wine during the tasting.

By the time we got back on the bus to drive to our fourth stop, everyone hated him. He switched seats, so he and his son were sitting together and his wife and daughter-in-law were behind them. He kept shouting at me and being generally obnoxious. The ladies next to him then started making snide remarks to his wife. You know, saying things like, "Wow, you really chose your husband well," or "I see you're a real catch. You must make your family feel proud," or "It's impressive you decided to stay married to him this long."

Needless to say, he wasn't making any friends. Mom wasn't doing a good job either. She made superficial attempts to keep him quiet. For instance, when he'd start shouting, she would cover his mouth and tell him to stop. Then, she would laugh and run her fingers through his hair. Yeah, that's a real deterrent from bad behavior.

We got to the fourth winery, and they just continued to get louder and more obnoxious. On the bus, I chose to talk to the nice Irish couple in front of me (since I didn't actually have a seat, I sat on the ice chest with my back facing the windshield. Yes it's dangerous. Yes, it's not legal at all).

After awhile, Dad wanted my attention, so he handed me an empty water bottle and asked me throw it away. I took it. He then asked me for another water. I handed him one. Then he handed me another empty water bottle and asked me another water. I chose to hand back the empty water bottle. Thankfully we approached the ferry, so I needed to give everyone instructions. I got back on the microphone, and he did everything he could distract me. He yelled at me, asked me questions, and requested that I get him more water the whole time I was talking. He also threw his empty water bottle at me.

And that's when the bus stopped, and everyone departed. As the family got off the bus, the son handed me a $10 bill. It's good to know they don't feel they should pay extra for being obnoxious pains in the ass. I just wanted to be done with them, so I was thankful they made an effort to tip me at all. Oh yeah, and Dad decided to start calling me "Kimmy" and insisted on hugging me. Oh, and the son spilled wine on me.

Once on the ferry, everyone spread out. I wandered around and talked to everyone. Then I went upstairs and chatted with a couple for quite sometime. As I was talking to them, I was leaning against a window, and someone started slapping the window behind me. The guy I was talking to said, "Ugh. It's Wisconsin."

I turned to find the whole family out there trying to say something to me through the window. They were all drinking Coors Light and were trashed. I had no idea what they were trying to say, and I wasn't about to go outside to find out. I turned around and continued talking to the couple. We all discussed how much we disliked them and the fact that good old Dad was probably drunk when he got to the bus in the morning.

After a few minutes, the son came inside. He was totally trashed. He chatted with me for awhile, and it turned into a revealing (and disturbing) conversation.

"What's that bridge that we just crossed under? The Golden Gate?" He slurred.

"No, it's the San Rafael Bridge. We'll see the Golden Gate on the port side of the boat." I answered.

"Are we going to cross under the Golden Gate Bridge?"

"No," I explained. "We're in the middle of the bay. If were were heading out to China we would cross under the bridge, but we're just going to San Francisco."

"The tour was good. Except that tour at the champagne place was too long. It was boring. We wanted to just drink." Son then finished off his can of beer.

"Well, you didn't have to go on the tour. I'm sorry you feel that way."

"You should take that out. Nobody comes here to go on a tour. We just want to drink."

I glanced over at the couple next to us, and we exchanged a look. "Well, many people like to learn how the wine is made. But that's why you have options. You don't have to do anything."

He then changed the subject. "We have to figure out a place to eat tonight."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll find something."

"Yeah." He crushed his can. "First we have to go pick up the kids."

"Kids?"

"Yeah, we left the kids at the hotel for the day."

"Uh," I started to worry. "How old are your kids?"

"They're 8 and 11. They're totally fine. They have their Xbox, so they'll just play that all day. We left them a cooler in the room with some food."

"So, it's a good idea to leave kids in a hotel room in a city without any supervision?"

He stumbled a bit and leaned against the wall. "Oh yeah, they're totally fine. They have their Xbox, and I had the hotel take out the mini bar stuff because I didn't want them eating stuff out of there because I didn't want to pay for it."

Needless to say, I was in awe of such excellent parenting. "Wow. That's brave."

"Nah, it's fine. They don't care. Hey, I have to go get some more beer. I'm empty." He then went downstairs to the bar.

And then I just stood there in shock. The couple next to me looked shocked too. And then I made a comment about how sad it was that the parents AND grandparents had such poor parenting skills. Seriously. Leaving an 8 and 11-year-old alone in a hotel room for 10 hours while you are off getting totally wasted is a TERRIBLE idea. I would be lying if I said I wasn't horrified.

After another 15 minutes, the boat docked, and I made my way to the exit to greet everyone on their way out. I saw the Wisconsin family come out and I hoped they wouldn't see me. Unfortunately, Dad found me.

"Kimmy!" He yelled. "I need a hug."

I tried to get away, but there was no escape. They then surrounded me.

"Did my son tip you?" He asked loudly.

Of course, I wanted to say no, but I didn't. "Yes."

"Did he?"

"Yes."

He turned to his son. "Did you tip her?"

"I don't remember." His son replied. "But you should probably tip her."

As they were surrounding me, I noticed other people trying to approach me. For obvious reasons, the other people didn't want to be anywhere near the family. I stepped aside to greet them, but dear old Dad kept moving over and blocking them. His wife told him he should give me money. He then asked her if she had any, and she told him that he had all the money. He then stood there (still blocking me from other people, despite my best efforts to distance myself from their spectacle of annoying drunkenness) talking loudly about tipping me.

"Yeah, you want to get tipped. How much did he give you? What do you think you deserve? This must be uncomfortable for you to have us standing here talking about tipping you."

Eventually, he pulled a $20 bill out of his wallet. He started to hand it to me, then demanded that I give him change.

"Hey, I need change."

I stood there silently and didn't put my hand out for the money.

"I'm not giving you this much. I need $10 back."

Appalled (and not really wanting his money at this point), I replied. "I don't know that I have a 10."

"I know you do."

"Well, I don't want to look. Just keep it."

"Oh come on. Just give me a 10." He started to get annoyed.

"Fine." I reached into my pocket, and luckily the first thing I pulled out was a $10 bill. "Here."

He handed me the $20 bill and stumbled away with his drunk family.

What an embarrassment.

I feel so sorry for those kids. And I'm so glad I'm not related to anyone like that.