The Things People Say...

My 21-year-old roommate went to see the new Harry Potter movie.  He had this to say about it:

21: It was pretty raunchy.

Me: Really?

21: Yeah, there was one scene where Ron and a girl walk into a room where Harry and Hermeine are sitting, and they said, "Oh, it looks like this room is occupied."

Me: And how is that raunchy?

21: Well, it was just a lot of innuendo.  But after that, Ron and the girl went up in the tower.  I'm sorry.  You don't go up into a tower to make-out.  The only reason you'd go into a tower is to fuck your brains out.

Me: Are you speaking from personal experience?

21: It's true.

Me: Hmm.

I later went to see the movie myself, and we had the following conversation:

21: So, how was the movie?  Did you catch all of the innuendo?

Me: Well, there was one innuendo, but it wasn't raunchy like you described.

21: Uh, yeah it was.

Me: No.  It was pretty tame.

21: Well, maybe my mind it's where my mind was at the time.

Me: Hmm.

One of my guests went on a couple flight-seeing tours.  The first was above the Arctic Circle, and the second was around Mt. McKinley.  When she came back from the second flight around Mt. McKinley, I asked her how it went.

Me: So, how was your flight around Mt. McKinley?

Guest: It was great.  Much better than the Arctic Circle flight.

Me: Oh? Why's that?

Guest: Well, on the Arctic Circle flight, the man that gave the safety speech had no teeth.

Me: Oh. (The whole time thinking, does the absence of teeth make you an unfit pilot or safety speech giver?)

A couple days later, I approached the same guest to give her something for her friend/roommate and to inquire as to how her roommate was doing (since she had fallen, broken her arm, and was in the hospital).

Me: Hi, I'm sorry to bother you.  I'm just dropping by some extra luggage tags for Carol.

Guest: Uh, oh.  Thanks.

Me: By the way, have you heard from her at all?

Guest: No.  She went to town.

Me: Right.  I know.  She fell and was rushed to the hospital.  She's on her way back soon.  I just didn't know if you had talked to her.

Guest: No.  I didn't go with her.  That's too bad.

Me: Uh, yeah.  Well, I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  She should be back soon.  Please let me know if either of you need anything.

Guest: Oh, I'm fine.

Me: Great.  See you in the morning. (Thinking to myself, what the hell kind of bad friend is she?)

I had the misfortune of going on an excursion when I was way too tired and unable to properly phrase things.  A guest (not mine) on the van was complaining about how late we were returning to the hotel and how early she would have to get up the next morning.  She was very concerned that she wouldn't get enough sleep.  In attempt to sympathize with her, I said the following:

Me: Well, when you do get some I hope it's long and hard.

(Pause.  Realizing what I just said...)

Me: I mean, I hope you sleep hard.

(Still not comfortable.)

Me: Sleep well.  Get some sleep.  You'll sleep soon.  Sleeping.  You'll sleep eventually.  Sleep well. (And then I decided to just stop talking.)

Sometimes, you don't have say a word to make an ass of yourself.  The other day, I was on the train, and I was walking through the aisle trying to pass someone.  Usually when I walk through the aisle and pass people, my hands are up. This time, they were at my sides.  I bumped into an older woman, and in an attempt to apologize, I attempted to pat her on the shoulder to say excuse me.  Since my hands were at my side, I ended up patting her on her bottom.  And then I ran away and hid in the back of the car.

And that's all I can think of right now.